Pentecost 23 A 2008

Go easy on me, I haven't done this in a while.

23rd Sunday after Pentecost: “A Pharisee and a Herodian Walk into a Bar”

Matthew 22:15-22

A Herodian, seated at a table, posture working through various levels of slouching
A Pharisee, standing, to work off nervous energy, frustration, etc.

Scene: A Pharisee and a Herodian, taking a load off after the intense encounter with Jesus recounted in the Gospel lesson. Neither are in any way drunk: the Herodian is tired, the Pharisee keyed up and frustrated. Table, two chairs, two empty fruit jars.

Lector: A reading from Matthew’s gospel: Then the Pharisees went and plotted to entrap him in what he said. So they sent their disciples to him, along with the Herodians, saying, “Teacher, we know that you are sincere, and teach the way of God in accordance with truth, and show deference to no one; for you do not regard people with partiality. Tell us, then, what you think. Is it lawful to pay taxes to the emperor or not?” But Jesus, aware of their malice, said, “Why are you putting me to the test, you hypocrites? Show me the coin used for the tax.” And they brought him a denarius. Then he said to them, “Whose head is this, and whose title?” They answered, “The emperor’s.” Then he said to them, “Give therefore to the emperor the things that are the emperor’s, and to God the things that are God’s.” When they heard this, they were amazed; and they left him and went away.

Herodian: And the question is, where did they go? After they were amazed, and they left him, and went away.

Pharisee: And the answer is --

Herodian: -- might be --

Pharisee: -- could certainly be --

Herodian: -- for our purposes tonight, will be --

Herodian & Pharisee (in unison): A Pharisee and a Herodian walk into a bar.

Herodian: And after a bit --

Beat.

Pharisee: What does that even mean, “the things that are the emperor’s”?

Herodian: Oh, we are not still talking about this…

Pharisee: Where did he -- how did he -- how in the world did he come up with “the things that are the emperor’s”?

Herodian: I’m sure his sole design was to upset you.

Pharisee: And what makes it the emperor’s? Just -- having his image on it? His title? Only we’ve got trunks more of the same coins with the same images stacked away in the Temple from all the money we’ve changed for travelers come to offer sacrifices -- are those the emperor’s too? What have we -- just -- been giving away doves, and pigeons, a-a-a-a-and…for coins that aren’t worth anything because they can’t belong to us? Never even belonged to the people paying us with them?

Beat. Pharisee might be hyperventilating.

Herodian: You need to loosen up.

Pharisee: When have you ever met a Pharisee remotely capable of loosening up?

Herodian: When have you ever met a Herodian remotely capable of giving advice besides, “Loosen up”?

Pharisee (sits): Point taken.

Pharisee and Herodian (together): Cheers.

Herodian: Here. (Fishes out a quarter.) If it makes you feel better, I’m going to take this coin, this “thing that is the emperor’s,” and I’m going to pay our tab with it.

Pharisee: That doesn’t make me feel better!

Herodian (inches an empty glass over to the Pharisee): This will…

Pharisee (up again): How could one simple question lead to such an absolute disaster --

Herodian: First of all, it wasn’t a simple question, it was a loaded question, and second: it was always supposed to engender absolute disaster, just for the Teacher instead of for you, which is how it ended up! (Herodian loses self a little bit in laughter)

Pharisee: Hey, don’t call him a Teacher.

Herodian: Why? You call him a Teacher.

Pharisee: When? When do I call him --

Herodian: You called him a Teacher today, when you asked him about paying taxes to the emperor.

Pharisee: I called him -- Look, whenever I call him a Teacher, I’m being facetious, okay?

Herodian: That’s horrible.

Pharisee: It’s not.

Herodian: It is -- Facetious. That’s awful form.

Pharisee: He’s not a Teacher.

Herodian: Well, for not a Teacher, he can sure make you look like you don’t know very much.

Pharisee (muses): The things that are the emperor’s.

Herodian: What did you expect him to say?

Pharisee (sits, and imparts in confidence): Honestly? I don’t think the man pays his own taxes. I’ve never seen him pay for anything! You see him, eating, all the time, whatever anybody’ll give him -- and often enough with tax collectors, too: they probably turn a blind eye…

Herodian: Give him a hand-out and then turn a blind eye to money he lawfully owes them and the emperor?

Pharisee (emphatically): Yes.

Herodian (sharply): Why do you hate him so much?

Beat.

Herodian: I just said we all lawfully owe and pay taxes to the emperor, and you’re not giving me a hard time.

Pharisee: Well I expect you to say we all lawfully pay taxes, you’re a --

Herodian: I’m a what? Go on, what do you say that I am?

Pharisee: You’re in Herod’s court every day.

Herodian: King Herod.

Pharisee: A puppet king! From a puppet dynasty, by no right of succession, with no right of claim to Judah’s throne -- as foreign and humiliating an imposition from Rome as their taxes to their emperor.

Herodian: Is that what you think? That taxes are a foreign and humiliating imposition? That’s sedition and I should have you arrested for it, right now. I’d have had your Teacher arrested for it, if that’s what he’d said.

Pharisee (slowly): Well, could you not? In front of everybody, I mean…?

Herodian: Oh, but I’m not going to have you arrested -- Why? (Disgusted.) Because you’re my friend.

Pharisee (relieved): I -- well, yeah… (Then, uncomfortably) You need to loosen up.

Herodian: You need to take responsibility for the things that you say, and the awful mess of contradictions that you’ve turned into. Did you even listen to the rest of what he had to say? Your teacher?

Pharisee (confused): Give to the emperor the things that are the emperor’s.

Herodian (demands): And?

Pharisee (confused): And…

Herodian: And to God the things that are God’s.

Beat.

Pharisee: Well?

Herodian (holding the coin between them): What’s stamped with the image of God? What’s stamped with the image of God?

Pharisee does not reply.

Herodian: Whose image is this, and whose title? Lot of good it does him. You know, you’re exactly what that Teacher said you are, a Hypocrite. Two faces. An actor with a mask. You might have been stamped with the image of God once, but somewhere along the line you grew up. You picked your favorites among the children of men and stuck with them. And I did the same thing, and look at us. A Teacher comes along to remind us we were meant to be more than we turned into -- that we’re created in God’s image, for goodness’ sake, and the first thing we do is try to get him killed. (Beat. Herodian gets up.) Stamped with God’s image. Lot of good it does us.

Herodian flips coin onto the table. Exits.

Pharisee waits; picks up the coin. Puts it back. Exits.